


Am I Worth Your Time?

by CreativWit



Category: Bull (TV 2016)
Genre: Benny questions his friendship with Bull, Bull needs to be a given a heart and admit he was WRONG, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Gen, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Sincerely This Time, Swearing, Tag to 4x01: Labor Days, some strong language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-09 12:00:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20853080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreativWit/pseuds/CreativWit
Summary: "You don't really want me in your life; you just want what I can do." Tag to 4x01: Labor Days





	Am I Worth Your Time?

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Am I Worth Your Time?  
Genre: Friendship/Hurt/Comfort  
Rating: T  
Characters: Benjamin “Benny” Colón, Jason Bull  
Summary: “You don’t really want me in your life; you just want what I can do.” Tag to 4x01: Labor Days  
Pairings: None  
Warnings: Depression, Swearing/Strong Language  
Word Count: 2,418 words; about 6 pages on Google Docs  
Author’s Note: Season 4’s out, yay! Bull is still a dick, but Benny’s still a sweetheart. And even though their friendship seems a little toxic sometimes, I’m here to smooth things over and actually do what the show writers won’t: Give Bull a heart.  
Other than that, this one is super short. It’s my first time writing in so long - which I’m totally sorry for, by the way - and my writing has greatly suffered because of it. Hopefully, with a little more practice, I’ll be much better than where I’m at now. Nevertheless, please enjoy.

xxxxxxx

_ The difference? _

_ This time, I won’t wait by my phone. _

_ I won't text you every day to remind you that I exist. _

_ I won’t give you that power anymore. _

_ You want me? _

_ You’ll have to show me. _

~ Unknown

xxxxxxx

He really thought he had something, really thought he was going somewhere. “Causation.” It sounded so good in his head. He had it all planned out because it really did make sense. It was statistical, literally proven by science and mathematics: correlation did not prove causation. Just because something relates to another, it doesn’t mean they affect each other. Murder rates have been known to jump when ice cream sales go up. Did that mean that everyone who eats ice cream is a serial killer? No, definitely not. That’s ridiculous.

Patricia served Hobbs more alcohol than she should have on the night he killed five people. Did that mean she killed those people, too? No! But it seemed like it only made sense to the TAC team and maybe those six jurors. When had the world lost their common sense?

It pained Benny to admit he had been wrong. Sure, he wasn’t nearly as arrogant as Bull was - Benny knew when he had to fess up to his mistakes - but it still hurt to admit that maybe he wasn’t as good a lawyer as he thought he was. Maybe Bull had been right; Benny should stick to what he did best: following orders. Bull hadn’t said those words _ exactly _ but close enough, right?

Benny glared down at the beer bottle in his hands. Ever since they heard about the deadlock verdict that morning, it was all Benny could think about. That, and everything that had led up to that moment. What did he do wrong? Could he have changed it? What would have happened if they followed Bull’s idea instead? Benny had been so eager to prove his boss wrong, to show his worth and that TAC really needed him. 

Benny snorted. _ So much for that plan_, he thought as he took a swig.

He let out a small sigh and ran a tired hand through his hair. Every thought led back to Bull. At first, all Benny wanted was an apology and a promise that Bull would respect him more. Now? Now Benny just wanted to feel validated. The apology had to be unprompted. Bull had to mean what he said when he said it, but when he had called Benny, it was only because he was desperate. Had he really been sorry for hurting his best friend, or was he only sorry for losing the best lawyer he had? Benny shook his head, as if it would clear that thought from his mind. He didn’t want to think about it, not that.

But once the thought was there, there was no getting rid of it. Bull was probably in bed with his sister and their unborn child, and Benny was frighteningly alone. He was happy for them - really, he was - but there was some deep, ugly part of him that would remain jealous and angry. Benny had just wanted an apology…

Now...Now he didn’t know what he wanted. Validation? Maybe. Maybe he just wanted to be seen, to be heard, to be cared about. Maybe he just wanted people to love _ him_, not what he could offer.

Benny raised the bottle to his lips, only to realize it was empty. With an exasperated sigh, he stood up and grabbed another bottle from the fridge, haphazardly tossing the empty one into the recycling bag he kept. He was going to need more to drink if he was going to sleep tonight. With any hope, he wouldn’t have the beer company sued for their involuntary hand in whatever actions he took from this point on.

...But maybe Bull would.

xxxxxxx

Benny sat quietly in his seat, staring out the window and gazing at night skyline of New York City from his view in the TAC office. It had been a long day, especially since the beer he drank last night didn’t help at all in getting him to sleep. No cases to work on, so he was basically getting paid to sit around and do nothing. Any other day, he probably would have embraced the break. But thoughts from the night before still plagued him and it certainly didn’t help that the root of his issues sat no more than fifty feet away from him in the office nearby.

Benny knew he shouldn’t go in. As soon as he walked in, there would be no turning back. Bull would know something was up as soon as he walked through the door and would badger him until Benny finally caved. Hell, Chunk had taken one look at his face this morning, noted the bags under his eyes, and immediately asked what was wrong. Thankfully, Chunk exhibited way more tact than Bull did and understood that some things didn’t need to be talked out right away and merely said that if Benny needed someone to lend an ear, he knew where Chunk’s office was.

Did Chunk actually appreciate him, or did he just want to make sure that their lawyer didn’t quit again? Marissa and Danny had told him that, after he had left, TAC had gone pretty downhill. Maybe they just wanted to secure their paychecks. Benny didn’t really know. Everything felt pretty gray at this point, not the black and white he wished it was.

He eyed Bull’s office door again and the urge to enter was strong. It pulled at him, like being attracted to a magnet. Several sides of him warred for control. Different parts wanted different things. His heart told him to be emotional, to yell and scream and cry and ask Bull if he really meant anything to him. His brain told him to be rational, to not start up something they already put to rest, to not destroy the fragile peace between him. His spirit told him to avoid the door at all costs, to maintain his pride and keep giving Bull the cold shoulder, to keep holding a grudge. His conscience told him this wasn’t right, that he needed to fix this, that it wasn’t healthy or okay to harbor such feelings for so long.

He wasn’t sure what part of him to listen to. Why did everything have to be so difficult? Why did _ Bull _ have to be so difficult?

Benny groaned quietly to himself and rubbed his palms against his eyes. He just wanted to sleep, but sleep seemed so distant when his mind wouldn’t shut up long enough for him to drift off. He also wanted to stop feeling like he was walking on eggshells every time he showed up to work. 

He just wanted his best friend back.

“Talk to him, Benny.”

Benny’s eyes shot open, and he turned his head to see Marissa standing on the opposite side of the table, giving him a soft smile. It was like she _ knew _, like she could read his mind. Benny snorted inwardly at that thought. It was Marissa. Of course she knew.

“Go,” she said again, head nodding a little to the closed door. “Get it off your chest. You know just as well as I do that Jason sometimes needs a little kick in the right direction.”

Benny shook his head. “You don’t get it, ‘Ris.” He sent a quick glance at the door. “It’s...harder than that.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I think you’re making it out to be more than it is. You have feelings, Benny. It’s time Bull realized that. So show him. _ Tell him. _” She shrugged. “Who knows? Maybe if guys put your pride aside for once, you might actually come to an understanding.” With that, she turned and walked off, leaving Benny to his thoughts once again.

_ Do it! _ his heart told him. _ Burst in there and ask him, “What am I worth to you?” _

_ No. Don’t, _ his brain argued. _ Don’t listen to Marissa. You guys are doing fine right now. You’re not perfect, but it’s working. Don’t ruin this. _

_ But it shouldn’t be like this, _ his conscience pressed. _ You’re friends, aren’t you? Friends shouldn’t be afraid of each other! If you keep holding all this in, who knows what those feelings will manifest into? _

_ This was his choice! _ his spirit snapped. _ He chose to act like a dick! He should serve the consequences! Fuck him! _

Benny sighed and turned his gaze back out the window. What should he do? What should he _ do? _

_ Tell him _ , Marissa’s voice said again. _ Who knows? Maybe if you guys put your pride aside for once, you might actually come to an understanding. _

Benny took a deep breath and rose from his seat. _ Fine, Marissa. I’ll go. _ He made his way to the door, anxiety welling up in his chest as he knocked. _ God, I hope you’re right about this. _

“Enter!”

Benny pushed open the door, Bull looking up from his laptop to see who had interrupted him. His eyebrows furrowed as Benny walked in, no doubt already analyzing Benny’s appearance and forming conclusions as to why the lawyer would be there. The window blinds were drawn, hiding them from the common area. If anything happened here, it would stay here unless they brought it outside...like last time…

“Benny?” Bull’s voice broke Benny out of memories of his fist slamming into Bull’s jaw. “What’s up?”

“Um, I need to...ask you something.”

Bull frowned. Benny never stuttered or hesitated. The younger man normally oozed confidence. This timid person in front of him was not the Benny he had been expecting.

Bul gestured to the chair in front of his desk and asked, “Okay…? What is it?”

Benny sat down and averted his eyes to look out the window behind his boss. “When you called me...and apologized…?”

“Yes?”

“Did you…?” Benny paused for a minute, trying to find a way to word his question correctly. Bull was as emotionally stunted as one could get. For a former therapist, he really hated feelings. “I guess what I’m trying to ask is, who were you apologizing to?”

Benny could see the exact moment when the Bull’s brain short-circuited. His mouth dropped open a bit, his eyes narrowed in confusion, and he tilted his head. “What...What does that mean? I was apologizing to _ you _ . I called _ you _. Who else would I be apologizing to?”

Benny shook his head vehemently. “What I’m trying to ask is…I guess...I mean...” He let out a frustrated sigh. Why couldn’t his brain work?! This should be simple! So why was he so afraid?!

Bull donned a worried look. “Benny. Breathe and try again.”

Taking another deep breath, Benny tried again, making eye contact with Bull’s confused yet concerned eyes. “Were you apologizing to me as the friend you wanted or the lawyer you needed?”

Bull hesitated. “I...They’re not two different people, Benny.”

Benny hadn’t really known what answer he had truly been looking for, but he knew as soon as the words came out of Bull’s mouth that those were not it. He expected himself to blow up, to unleash the ball of rage and hurt and sadness settled deep in his chest, but he didn’t. Instead, he just pursed his lips and nodded slowly.

“Okay,” came the soft reply.

“Okay?” 

“I get it now.”

Suspicion and wariness crossed Bull’s face. “You get it? Get what?”

Benny pinned him with an eerily calm expression. “You don’t really want me in your life; you just want what I can do.” 

Bull’s jaw dropped. “What the fuck? No! How did you even get that as an answer?”

“You only called me because you needed me in the courtroom. Otherwise, I bet you were content with me being out of your life. Did you even miss me at all? Did you even miss me for being a person, or did you just miss me for winning cases?”

“Benny, where the hell is this coming from-?”

“You can’t even answer the question properly.” Benny scoffed in disbelief. “Do you know that I actually think of you as a friend? That despite all you’ve done to me, all we’ve been through, I actually missed having you around? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I’m more than just a lawyer, that I have feelings, that I can be _ hurt? _ Has that ever crossed your mind?!” Benny’s eyes started to burn. No. _ No. _ He was _ not _ going to cry here.

Bull’s face softened. “Benny, I…” He closed his mouth for a moment before sighing. “I did miss you. Not the…’lawyer you,’ but _ you _ you. I missed having you by my side. I missed joking and grabbing a drink at the bar with you. Believe me, I _ missed _ it.”

“Then why don’t you act like it? Why do you have to always push and shove me around like I’m some kind of a lapdog?”

“I never meant to-” Bull cut himself off with a sharp exhale and stared off to the side. “I never intended on hurting you, Benny. And, if it counts for anything now, _ I’m sorry.” _

Benny nodded slowly, swallowing the lump of emotion that had welled up in his throat. “Okay.”

Bull eyed him warily. “Okay as in what? Last time you said that, you didn’t exactly come to an ‘okay’ conclusion.”

Rolling his eyes, Benny answered, “Okay as in ‘I accept your apology.’ Okay as in…” Benny glanced at the time on his phone, noting that it was past time for the team to go home for the day. “Do you wanna grab a drink with me?”

For a moment, Bull hesitated, wearing a look of surprise, and maybe a bit of..._ hope? _ Then, a bright smile crossed his face. “I would love to.”

Benny smiled back. The tight ball settled deep in his chest didn’t go away entirely - he doubted it would for a while - but it certainly lightened considerably. Bull sounded sincere, like he really did mean what he said, and maybe he did, but it didn’t erase the past few months. It didn’t erase the pain and loneliness Benny had felt. But maybe, just maybe, the two of them could build back what they used to have, maybe even stronger. 

So, later that night, the two men clinked their glasses together, cheering to a new chapter in their friendship, one not filled with lies and betrayal and hurt, but one of respect and care and love. As it should be. And who knows? Maybe they could be more than friends. Maybe they could be what they had once viewed each other so long ago. Maybe they could be _ brothers. _

xxxxxxx

_ I like to think that I’m over you. _

_ I like to tell people that I am. _

_ Sometimes I even convince myself that I am _

_ The truth is, I’m really, really not. _

~ Unknown

xxxxxxx

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: I’m not entirely happy with this fic at all, but it was all writer’s block was letting me accomplish. However, I do have a new fic in the works, and it will definitely help as writing practice, so I hope you guys are looking forward to that as much as I am.
> 
> On another note, I really don’t do this - I don’t think I ever have - but I wanted to ask if you guys could please, please, please, go check out an original work that I did. It’s not long! It’s no more than a chapter, but I worked really hard on it, and I would love to hear some feedback on it, as well as some things to improve on. It’s called The Healer, and it’s posted on ArchiveofourOwn under the name “dksm41” and FictionPress under the name “CreativWit”. So please, go check it out if you can, I would greatly appreciate it. Until then, bye!


End file.
